Saturday, June 5, 2010

Arrrgggh!! I've had it up TO HERE!!!

Ugh- let me just say that this ongoing (for 60+ years, no less) idiocy over Israel/Palestine has me as enraged as anything could possibly enrage me.
Okay- I am a mom. And, as a mom, if I saw a couple of 4 year olds fighting and trying to beat the crap out of each other over a "but he hit me first" thing, I'd punish them BOTH!
Because yeah, at this point, I honestly don't care about or care to remember who started it...it's been over 60 years, dammit!!! Arguing about who's been doing what over the past centuries is POINTLESS and I wouldn't put up with it in a toddler.
Everybody's hitting everybody, and now everybody's all butthurt with black eyes, and wants some magical referee to step in and say "ookay, you get this, you get this, and you win and they lose." Which is never. Going. To. Happen.
Srsly- people...is it really that hard to suck it up and just say everyone loses, everyone wins...and then, if you still hate each other soooooooo much like a couple of bitchy 12 year old girls, you can all be perfectly free to never speak to each other again.
I repeat: get over yourselves. Nobody is going anywhere, and after more than half a century, it's ridiculous to expect an entire population to pick up and leave. There's about a brazillion miles of empty space there, and you can all have all the time and space in the world to no eat pork together and talk about how everyone else goes about not eating pork wrong.
This is not worth getting anyone's children killed over.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

There Will Be Child... There Will Be Child.

Today was an eventful day, honest. Even for the mother of a preschooler, it was an eventful day. I was supposed to meet my dad at 8am for brek, but after spending last night being woken hourly by The Child, (who kept dropping Its pillow, and shrieking, "MOM!! HELP! HEEELP!! I dropped my pillow again.") I slept through my alarm and wasn't even up when my dad rang the bell. Yeah...oops.

After brek, some family from out of town was arriving, and we arranged to meet them and my parents at a local faux-50s diner that The Child can never get enough of. I'm sure that one day in the fairly-near future we'll have to have a little chat about idealizing the past, McCarthyism, etc., after which I will force The Child to memorize all the lyrics to "We Didn't Start the Fire" as if that will make any sense to It. But not today! Today was a happy day for burgers and fries and similar all-American crap which everyone enjoyed as I tried to be subtle about constantly checking my phone for updates on the Indy 500.

My husband got a massive, gorgeous, sexy double-chocolate chocolate-chip milkshake, complete with an ethereal crown of whipped cream and what The Child refers to as a "cappuccino cherry." I tasted; it was awesome. But, what happened next was even awesomer: The Child stands up in the booth, very deliberately bend stiffly and oddly formally at the waist, and- hands clasped behind Its back- begins sucking on Its dad's milkshake straw. Then, it turns with a triumphant smirk to my husband and says, "DAD! I. DRINK. YOUR. MILKSHAKE. I DRANK IT AAAAALLLLL UP."

Seriously- you can't make this shit up!

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Truly...

Today was an insanely hectic day, even for me; whose life has been so frequently and unexpectedly punctuated of late by The Child's newfound insistence upon turning darn near everything into a fight.
But yeah- today was a hectic day, even (or, perhaps, especially?) considering the fact that all the frenetic rushrush was in addition to the standard, baseline tantrum incidence. So, interwoven with the frequent bursts of banshee-esque wailing, there was, first off, getting The Child off to school. Sounds pretty easy, right? Wrong!! Because Friday happens to be "free dress day," meaning the kids don't have to wear uniforms. Fun, right? Wrong!! Because in reality, "free dress day" translates into me trying to yank clothes onto a squirming kid who's trying to run away whilst simultaneously stripping off clothes as fast as I can wrest them on. And, inevitably, kid is dead-set upon going to school wearing a Christmas sweater-- appliqued with snowmen, sleds and santa hats-- when it's nearly june. On top of a pair of Elmo undies. And a pair of MY socks. And nothing else. Yep.
But I digress. So, to sum up the day thus far: chase Child. Catch Child. Attempt to clothe Child...and fail. Many times. Finally stuff Child into new "I Am the Kwisatz Haderach" t-shirt, herd Child into car, somehow manage to bend and compress Child into carseat. Begin drive to school, whilst listening to The Cult's "Fire Woman" for the brazillionth time that week because Child has decided that that is the official "going to school" song. Arrive at school, bring Child inside, promptly get foot (not the bad one, thank heaven!) run over by crazed kid on tricycle. Kiss Child goodbye and realize that I am supposed to be at a doctor's appointment NOW!
And so on, ad nauseum...
Today was a day of being stuck for hours in the service area of the car dealership because my regular maintenance check turned up a screw in my tire, (well, the car's tire, really) a funkdafied air filter and a recall adjustment. It was a day of waiting for an exterminator who never showed...which means we still have a wasps' nest by the front door. It was also a day of interminable time spent on hold, only to hear that I have to pay almost a hundred bucks just to have someone come out and- very likely- tell me that they can't help me and I need to buy a new fridge. And squeezed in between all of the above were the usual attempts to read something, write something and eat something. Whew!

But...ya know what? There are those ineffable, bright-shining moments when all of it-- all that hectic, frantic, emotional bottlenecking...actually pays off, and how!
Sitting in the dealership, (with my ruptured discs snarling in protest as I worried that The Child hadn't yet had a nap) I decided to check my email. Again, that is, since I just had like 5 minutes before. So I was mildly surprised when quite a few new messages popped up...including one from an online 'zine to whom I'd submitted a piece. With shaking fingers, I opened the message, which naturally took an insane amount of time to load. But, when it finally did, these were the first words I read:
"After reading and discussing your work, we are happy to accept the following submission"

As we say in Indiana: my heart like to've stopped right then! This is the 2nd piece I've sold, albeit for a mockery of a pittance, but WOW! What an amazing feeling; knowing that my HS teachers (and more than a few college profs, as well) might very well have been wrong about my writing being trite, banal, unimaginative, uninspired, gibberish, worthless.
Take that, My Past!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Oh no She Didn't!!

Wow. I think maybe someone just attempted to run an old-school phone scam on me today!
Got a call from a woman purporting to be calling from the billing department of a medical center whose services I have recently utilized; she said that "(she'd) been trying to run my CC for over a week in order to charge my copay...but it just kept being rejected. She then quoted me a figure for this ostensible copay, (which my CC could definitely cover) and began to rattle off numbers that she claimed had been given to her as my CC#, so that I could "verify" them. (Yeah, I know, right?)
I asked the DH if he'd received any previous calls (since this problem had, purportedly, been going on for a week...) and he had not. Nor have we received any paper bills...aaaand here's the kicker; neither my DH nor I have any memory of presenting a CC at the time, period. Hmmmm...

So I politely interrupted the soi disant accountrix and asked for a number with which I could call her back, and she gave me one with a local area code and prefix. I checked it against the med center's online directory, and whilst the prefix fits, that particular number is not listed.
DOUBLE Hmmmmmm...

In any case, I'll be calling the (officially listed) billing department at the med center to see if they actually have been attempting to charge me for a week without calling or notifying me. If they have been, well...all I can say is that they need to train their employees to deliver a story which sounds less shifty. And, if not...*whew!*

I will post update/s as to how this works out, but mostly I just wanted to warn folks: DO NOT GIVE YOUR CC# AND/OR IMPORTANT INFO OUT TO RANDOM CALLERS...NO MATTER HOW PRESSING THEY TELL YOU THE NEED IS!!!
Always, ALWAYS ask for a number you can reach THEM at, and check them out/verify their identity thoroughly before spilling even an iota of personal/confidential info!!
Be your own Tiger Team, so to speak...because you can't trust anyone else to do it for you!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Late-Night MetaThoughts

Sherlock Holmes: one of the most immortal, eternally fresh, au courant individuals of the modern age.
Who- it just so happens- never actually lived.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Homemade Cough Syrup: Easier Than You'd Think

I made this syrup for The Child last night because Its coughing was keeping it up and making It (not to mention everyone else) miserable at night...it ended up being surprisingly effective, so I thought I'd share it. It's still a rough recipe, so feel free to play with the proportions:

Emily's Cough Sizzurp for Children

3 handfuls dried rosehips
1 large pinch dried spearmint leaf
2-3 large pinches dried nettle leaf
4-5 cloves crushed garlic
1-2 in. section of fresh ginger root, chopped
2 dashes cayenne pepper

Add enough water to cover all ingredients by a centimeter or so, bring to a boil and simmer until volume is reduced by 1/3-1/2. then stir in:

juice of 1 tangerine or small orange (I used a mandarinquat and some tangerine)
1/8-1/4 cup of raw honey*

Strain mixture through a fine sieve and let cool.
I've been giving 2 tsp. at a time and it's working beautifully!
For adults, feel free to stir in 1-2 Tbsp. of whiskey at the end; that really bumps up the expectorant properties!

*Warning: NEVER give honey or products containing honey to children under 1 year of age!! If the child is younger than 1 year old, *please* contact your doctor instead of the interwebz!

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

The Infection Connection

Just realized that about the only times I've had free to blog lately are the times that I, The Child and/or The DH are sick...so yeah, in case you were wondering, we're sick. Again. For a change.

This time around, I mostly just feel like I had one too many cocktails...in a bad way. Everything's just all swimmy and dizzy and far-away feeling, but without the painful-sounding seal-bark cough that The Child has.

I was hoping to blog about our recent wonderful family-visit-Catalina-weekend trip, but even typing is a bitch at this point. So just know that Catalina is awesome, I want to go back, and in fact I keep clawing my way awake from weird sick-dreams thinking I'm still at the delightful Avalon Hotel. No such luck...

Saturday, January 9, 2010

So, Nu?

New year, new resolutions...and here are mine:

1) I will get into the best shape of my life in the year to come. This is not, I'm somewhat ashamed to say, as challenging a resolution as it might be for some. But the fact is that I have never been a particularly fit person, and this lack affects me on many levels. Most importantly, perhaps- albeit shallow- is the simple reality that as a Western acculturated woman, I base a massive portion of my self-esteem on my looks...and my looks are NOT those of a particularly fit individual. The emotional component of fitness is at least as important to me as the physical, though I have no doubt the two are intimately intertwined.

2) I will organize and design/decorate my home- inside and out- to an extent that I at least do not feel embarrassed and/or ashamed at the state of my dwelling. I am a rigid perfectionist, and as is common for such persons, I tend to allow the perfect to be the enemy of the good to such an extent that, in the case of my home, I often feel too overwhelmed to even attempt at making reality live up to my imagined possibility. That needs to change. Some art hung on the walls is better than none, even if it is less than all. Small steps are better than no steps, even if at first they may not even be apparent as part of the Big Picture. But I have had time enough to acclimate myself to the challenges of home ownership, and must face the reality of intimidation by viewing it as a challenge rather than an insurmountable juggernaut.

3) I will, within the next 12 months, attain a reasonable degree of spanish language fluency. I don't need to be ready to fill a UN simultaneous translator's seat..."reasonable" is the key word here. But I've been putting it off long enough, and I happen to be blessed with a wonderfully large and diverse local population of bilingual speakers...the time has come to take advantage of this, rather than continue in my cycle of jealousy and embarrassment at my lack of knowledge.

It is my hope that, in posting my resolutions in this most public of forums, I will be both encouraged by my internal sense of motivating shame AND by the external noodging of my friends and any general public who happen to drop in.
Thank you for reading, and enjoy your new year!

Monday, December 7, 2009

Because I don't Tweet:

I prefer calling it "Wolframite," thanks very much. So I'll just keep on doing that. Thank you.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

eewwww.

My mom told me a story a few months ago; she'd heard or read about it in a Rabbi's sermon somewhere. It was basically a parable regarding personal behavior, and how you're never really alone in what you do and/or say, because the Divine Eye is always on you...

I just had a terrible, frightening realization, as I sit in bed, eating chinese takeout rice sans utensils: if, for whatever reason, I happen to be under surveillance (supernatural or just regular natural) at the moment, I am SO totally screwed!

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Cakebeard: The Miniseries *Disclaimer*

*By way of introduction to today's installment, I feel that it is only fair to post my husband's thoughts on "Cakebeard: The Miniseries." He remarked that, whilst he did find the piece to be well-written, he was somewhat put off by what he felt was my uncharacteristically "mean" tone. He raised the issue that the woman involved was/is a real person, and that as someone who endeavors to practice compassion as much as possible I would be extremely unlikely, in his opinion, to adopt such a mocking tone regarding someone I knew and/or to someone's own face. (I must admit that I was more than a touch flattered by this characterization, not to mention he was/is entirely correct re: my dislike of speaking unkindly to or about people.)
However...after doing even more Google digging on the subject of the Cake-Bride, (as opposed to her doppelganger, the Bride-Cake) I have assuaged both my growing feelings of unease over any possible unintended cruelty, as well as reinforced my understanding that I was not, in effect, ridiculing an unfamiliar cultural convention without proper context.
I was initially intrigued by several references (by commentators on various news reports of this story) to "effigies" and "human effigies" playing a major part in several West African traditions. Nonetheless, I was unable to discern any traditions specific to Nigeria or even West Africa as a whole, which might be interpretable as life-size wedding cake auto-effigies. Indeed, the "effigies" referred to would seem to be specifically related to funerary and/or Animist rituals, and as such are generally attributed great spiritual significance. Keeping in mind that West African religion is the basis for much of modern Vodou, one can scarcely imagine that objects of reverence as Vodun/Vodou fetishes would be subjected to being publicly sliced up and eaten. Additionally, the practice of Vodun itself appears to only extend as far east as Benin, and not to be a mainline practice in Nigeria itself. There also appears to be no historical tradition in Nigeria of even consuming Western-style wedding cake; several sites mention cola, beef, yams and palm wine as traditional wedding delicacies. Western-style weddings do appear to be becoming the norm in Nigeria, due to increasing incursion by Christian Missionaries, but this appears to be fairly recent, and in many rural areas traditional/polygamous marriages remain the norm.
I was particularly struck by what seemed to me a distinctly patronizing and paternalistic tone present in many comments and blog posts pertaining to the Cake-Bride. A surprising number of people mentioned ostensibly (and dubiously) similar Ghanaian practices; essentially the equivalent of attempting to explain Canada's fondness for Curling by citing the Central American obsession with soccer. (Ghana and Nigeria are separated by several other independent postcolonial nations, each with its own unique language/s, tribal cultures and traditions.) There also appeared to be a trend to write off the C/B display as merely a quaint foreign custom, and as such one which should be above reproach and/or criticism by Westerners. Several went so far as to accuse others of "racism" for finding humor in the story. To my mind, the above commenters, whilst undoubtedly sincere- even laudable- in their desire to convey respect for cultural diversity, fall into common trap; they attribute personal quirks (both good and bad) to cultural misunderstanding...in the process stripping the human in question of their individuality. (The above thinking is also used, though with perhaps less sincere motives, by individuals attempting to excuse their own less appealing qualities. I once worked with a woman who constantly attempted to excuse/explain her constant rudeness to customers with the refrain, "I'm Boricua!" as though that somehow negated the need to not sneer and roll her eyes at paying customers...)
Last of all, I discovered during my perusal of several online articles (published by major news syndicates) that the coverage of the wedding was no matter of happenstance occasioned by a slow news day or a coincidentally related mass-media event. The woman in question appears to have assembled and distributed press packs to at least 2 media outlets, and perhaps more. As in the case of the Duggar adults, (of whom I have previously written) I hold myself here to a general standard when discussing/satirizing media figures: does or should the individual/s involved have a reasonable expectation of privacy and inferred respect? My best means of determining this is largely based on the behavior of the individual when dealing with the media, specifically whether they deliberately sought to make themselves into media figures, and whether their media seeking is/was driven by events in their own control, e.g. Sarah Palin vs. Mark Klaas: Mrs. Palin has actively sought public recognition and aggrandizement, and has made a large number of specific comments regarding her views on government spending, family and morality. Therefore, it is in my opinion unreasonable for her to claim that her privacy and reputation are infringed upon by the publication of unpleasant and unflattering truths involving the aforementioned subjects. Mark Klass, conversely, has been accused by "rival" anti-crime activists of using his daughter's horrific abduction and murder as a means to gain media prominence and donations for his KlaasKids nonprofit foundation. While I do not disagree that Mr. Klaas does often interject himself in media coverage of missing/murdered children, all evidence points to his simply taking such opportunities not for personal gain, but to increase awareness of his foundation's work to protect children on a national scale. Therefore, I would not consider it appropriate for me to investigate and expose Mr. Klaas' personal, possibly unflattering quirks for the purpose of satire; I have NO doubt that, had he the choice, he would gladly forgo any wisp of fame if he could have his daughter back unharmed.
My synthesis, then, is this: until/unless I discover and/or am presented with further clarifying information, I will consider the subject of the Cake-Bride open to light satire, and wish to also make clear that "Cakebeard" is a fictional satire, and I in no way am presuming to accurately re/present the genuine individual who inspired the narrative. My intention was, and remains, only to light-heartedly caricature a particularly fetching facet of this wonderful, crazy, silly, confusing and delightfully prismatic mosaic of this American media we so dearly love to love...

In Summation:

Friday, November 20, 2009

Anything Beats "Sherri," Right? So Get Ready For Anything!

So, whilst doing my usual daily trolling (err...better make that "trawling") of the intertubes today, (as The Child took yet another 8+ hour nap beside me, exhaling a steady, snorey cloud of narsty-smelling sick breath...) I came across this. Now, as the fiercely patriotic granddaughter of proud immigrants, I enjoy reveling in this seething smelting-crucible of weirdness we call America as much as anyone. In fact, make that way more than anyone; I have either a very high or very low tolerance for weirdness, depending on how one looks at it. In any case, I'm a devoted peon of the weird, the bizarre and the macabre, and an unashamed one at that. But seriously- seriously- folks, the video above gave even me pause. Also, indigestion-by-proxy, which I didn't even know was possible. Seriously!!
Okay. So, in her interview, the bride (who, btw, quite disturbingly does not look nearly insane enough for my taste...I want to be able to spot someone like this coming from at least 3 blocks away.) becomes quite visibly and audibly choked up with emotion as she describes her "childhood dream" to be, um, rendered life-sized in cake and carved up in effigy by...herself!? She then manages to slip in the mysterious comment that, while the aforementioned auto-effigy consumption fantasy was indeed the fulfillment of a lifelong ambition, she "didn't get it all." Okay. so: "didn't get it all." Wait. What!? "DIDN'T GET IT ALL!?!?" WTF could possibly have been another component of her wedding fantasy so important that is bears mentioning in a TV interview about your INSANE EFFING GIANT CAKE MONUMENT!?! Now, I had noticed that the story mentions that this rather, erm, shall we say "unique" fantasy had its genesis in her Nigerian childhood. Thus, in the interest of fairness, I did some brief google-assisted research into Nigerian wedding traditions. As it turns out, Nigeria does in fact have some unique wedding traditions. (Many of which, incidentally, are being lost due to the incursion of Christianity and the desire of "modern" couples to adopt a Western aesthetic. Sad, but unrelated.) Some of these traditions include "Hen (bachelorette) Parties," a ceremonial palm wine toast and an elaborate (and gorgeous!) bridal headpiece constructed of folded and tied cloth imported from India. But nowhere did I find even a single mention of either an enormous bride-of-cakenstein or the elusive, yet surely even more mind-blowing, "all" mentioned by the bride in the video. (Okay, I admit I'm flying blind here; I just can't see something like a palm wine toast being eighty-sixed as "too much" or "over the top" from a wedding including a cake body-double.) Therefore, out of the kindness of my heart (and the twistedness of my mind) I would like to propose several means by which this bride- constrained by budget to an uncharacteristic demureness- might be properly dignified via that medium which bestowed upon her her initial renown.
I give you, lucky readers, the first look at my stunning new series and film treatments. No need to thank me. Really. No, really! Keep reading; you'll see...even having a close family member in The Industry has not prevented me from accumulating an almost unbelievable, total lack of scripting skillz! Remarkable!
First up, "Cakebeard: the Miniseries."

Synopsis:
An innocent Nigerian immigrant of meagre means labors long hours as a night doorman in a luxury New York co-op as he attempts to save enough money to bring his aging parents to America. He meets a mysterious, sternly beautiful young Nigerian woman in the course of his duties; she is a frequent visitor to the otherwise (apparently) empty penthouse condo. He is drawn in- against his will- by the aura of (mysterious!!) tragedy which surrounds her...or is that merely her scent? A scent...mysteriously(!!) reminiscent of...bakeries?! He is hopelessly intrigued.
After several months of mysteriously(!!) beguiling small-talk, the immigrant (let us call him "Michel.") is working one night in the basement of the building, in an area where residents are provided with stall-like storage spaces. He hears the sound of something heavy being dragged, and when he goes to investigate, the beam of his flashlight picks out the struggling figure of...his mystery(!!) woman! She appears to be trying- and failing- to pull a large burlap sack of something(?) across the uneven cellar floor. Michel finds that, once again, his nostrils are assailed by a powerful, sweet scent. He steps forward to offer his assistance, and, after demurring several times, the woman (let us call her "Carmela") relents and allows him to finish hoisting the heavy sack into the locker and securing it.
Fast-forward to several hours later, and the two are locked in passionate-yet-ultimately-chaste embrace in the luxuriously furnished, though dusty and abandoned-feeling- penthouse condo. Michel divulges his long-held, distant fascination with Carmela and in a gush of emotion she invites him to come visit her that weekend at her "true" home...a resplendent-sounding estate in Westchester.
Michel counts the seconds until the weekend, when, shaking with anticipation, he doffs his doorman jacket and hat and hops the express train to Westchester. He finds Carmela waiting for him at the station in an elegantly-appointed refrigerator truck. Together, they drive in nervous silence to the gates of her estate: an imposing, yet elegant and elaborate wrought-iron confection crowned with stylized sugar-tongs. She produces a massive iron key, fits it to the cherub-faced lock, and together they begin a slow ascent up the impossibly lengthy-seeming, darkly-shadowed drive...

More installments to come...if you can "stomach" them...muahahaahaahaaa

Thursday, November 12, 2009

I'm Still Here...In Case Anyone Noticed

Just wanted to pop in and let my 0-3 loyal readers know that I'm still around these internetz! I ran into an unexpected spot of surgery just over 3 weeks ago, which followed a crazy few days of diagnostic testing.
However- I am once again back in full effect, as it were, and nearing the end of my road to recovery! If all goes as expected and hoped for, I should be increasingly loud, rowdy and busy in the coming weeks and months.
Expect it!

Monday, October 12, 2009

I am both too old and too young for this!

So The Child is still working Its way through the bout with Fifth Disease. And the DH is working his way through a bout with...I don't even know. Something vile, and vicious and involving his poor respiratory system. And what of yours truly? Well, I seem to have magically (at least thus far) been spared all of the aforementioned yuckys and ickys, but have instead been graced with a manifestation of Parvovirus b19 which happens to be peculiar to adult women: fake rheumatoid arthritis. As in, it isn't technically that ailment that many of my fellow Hoosiers still refer to as "the rheumatiz." It just feels like it. And looks like it. In other words: creepy, creepy creepy. And it's still barely even close to Halloween!!
My poor, barely-recovered torn ankle ligament feels (and looks!) like it's right back at week 3, post-tear, which is just plain spooky. I find myself suddenly thinking things like, "have I been wrong to have not been listening to scientologists all these years I've lived in SoCal?" But, luckily, those thoughts generally pass fairly quickly, especially when I remember that I'm way to broke at this point to be a scientologist even if I wanted to be. Also, not a celebrity enough. And these days, in California, I don't even know if the Scientologists would take me even if I was a celeb, broke as I am...nobody in this state can afford charity cases these days, even famous ones. *sigh*
So anyway, here I am , just barely 30-something, with joints that- from the knees down, at least- feel about 70 years old. And, along with my sense of youthfulness, I also seem to have lost a great deal of my newfangled, new-momist ideals regarding dealing with a sick The Child. I have now resorted to attempting to dribble cough medicine and prednisone into The Child's mouth whilst It sleeps, which makes me feel like some sinister poisoner-wife in a Lifetime Movie. (Or, as my friend brought up, "very Grosse Point Blank of (me)." LOL!) Amazing how all my hifalutin concepts go straight down the crapper after 2-3 nights of sparse sleep punctuated with frequent, heartrending cries of "MOM!! MOM!! MOM HELP IT HUUUUURRRRRTTTTS MEEEE MOM OH MOM!!!!!" Of course, by the time I am sufficiently panicked/awake enough to respond, The Child has descended once more into peaceful snores.
I've been drinking massive, and I mean massive, quantities of homemade nettle, raspberry leaf, rose hip, alfalfa and spearmint tea, all of which are reputed to have immune-strengthening and/or anti-inflammatory properties. If I don't get smoothly oiled joints, at least I'll get insanely hydrated. So there's my little silver lining. Also, the teas are surprisingly scrummy, which ain't half bad, either.
Okay, I'm off to try to stuff something other than popcorn into my face before the next outbreak of shrieking from The Child. Toodles!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Whatever Happened to Diseases 1-4??

Hooray!!
I'm back home, safe and...well, more or less sound.
So The Child has been a right little monster for the past almost-week, and I myself have been feeling more than a little under-the-weather, as well. I mean, not to brag, (okay, to brag just a little...) but The Child is, for the most part, as close to an angel as can possibly be expected from any toddler. However, in the past almost-week, The Child has manifested an almost preternatural, diametric change in temperament into a shrieking, hitting, literally crockery-flinging beast-on-wheels. And that just ain't right, right? I know!
I myself have had that charmant "did someone beat the crap outta me when I wasn't paying attention?" feeling for the past almost-week, as well. And, since I really have been paying real strict attention to whether I've been beaten or not, I did finally come to the conclusion that my problem is most likely pathogenic (as opposed to surreptitious-beatingic) in origin.
The Child, even when quite demonstrably damaged, inevitably answers "good" or "fine" to any/all questions regarding personal well-being, so a trip to the doctor was in the cards. And, hooray(!) they could take us this afternoon! After a screaming and kicking fight with The Child regarding the necessity of wearing pants when venturing out, we were off to the doc's office...thankfully less than a 10 minute drive from my garage.
As The Child and I were walking into the medical building, I noticed that Its cheeks were almost cartoonishly pink. The doc noticed it straightaway, as well, and he also noticed something else.
"Does (The Child) usually have this marking on (Its) arms? I know (The Child) is extremely fair-skinned, but this mottled-looking redness on (Its) arms...is this normal for (The Child)?"
Okay, so...whoa. No, doctor, that weird, zombie-esque mottled redness is most certainly NOT normal for The Child!! In fact, I can't imagine that it would be normal for anyone who hadn't been in recent physical contact with Rogue during the climactic final scene of an X-Men movie. Which, btw, The Child has not been filming. (I know this, because if It had, I would've been endorsing those juicy Equity checks, and I haven't.)
Our pediatrician has got his "Talking-to-the-Parent/s-Look" down to a flat-out science, and so, after pointing out the zombification that (yet another) genius-mom had overlooked, he turned and twinkled The Look out at me with particular intensity.
"(Its) ears look fine. And (Its) throat looks fine. Now, have you heard of Fifth Disease? Because what we have here appears to be Fifth Disease."
I was all, "OMG! I totally have heard of Fifth Disease! What the heck is Fifth Disease!?" Because if one thing can be reliably said about your truly, it is that I almost inevitably say something unbelievably inane and/or redundant when I am surprised. The pediatrician twinkled soothingly at me, and explained that it is "one of the childhood diseases" and that I can expect the child "to behave this way for about another 3 weeks. So just give (It) tylenol and aveeno baths as needed. And (in answer to my dawning-horror driven query) yes, it is contagious." And yes, I most likely did have "some sort of related viral infection," which would explain my enormously swollen mouth and tonsils, as well as the post-beatingesque malaise.
In my haste to get the heck out of the office and buy myself, er....uh, I mean, buy The Child some quick relief in the form of "big kid" chewable tylenol, I completely neglected to ask what TF exactly are Diseases One through Four.
Dr. Google, here I come!

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Headin' On Home...

So, it would appear that my summer is finally, irrevocably- its hour come round at last- slouching off towards California to die. I've certainly milked it (not to mentioned ground, twisted and vigorously choked it) about as hard as humanly possible, but even I must admit that October is just too darned late to be stretching "summer."
I've had a truly glorious, eye-opening time back in my native state, and much of that has been related to the simple knowledge that The Child is (finally!) spending some quality time in "The Old Country," as it were. It's been wonderful to (finally!) be able to introduce The Child, in the actual flesh, to all the folks who know It only via emailed pictures, holiday cards and telephone. Also wonderful, albeit in a very different sense, has been the opportunity to partake of the first- yes, literally, THE FIRST- "girls' night out" since my marriage...which was nearly four years ago at this point. The fact that, purely by chance, the first night out led to a second one...well, that just durn near put me over the moon, as the Hoosier natives say! There was something infinitely precious to me, as a native-Hoosier-turned-lifelong-nomad, in spending an entire evening immersed in such richly-nostalgic activities as Bob & Tom humor (expounding on such topics as James Dean, NASCAR and IndyCar, natch) and beer-und-spaetzle at the Rathskellar; the evening was topped off by an equally-Hoosieresque, though somewhat more surreal, encounter with a bewilderingly polite, well-spoken and honey-voiced homeless chap on a bike. *sigh* It really don't get much better than that, folks!
Wellp, (to use another favorite nugget of Hoosier dialect) I need to run; business calls. And sadly, I'm not alluding to anything fun, filthy and/or risque...I really need to do actual, boring, lame, inane paperwork to keep my adopted home state from fining my business, which has already spent an entire freaking YEAR in the red. Admittedly, I think the state might actually need funds more than I do, at this point, but still...blugh. Nothing makes one feel less successful than paying money to notify various bureaucracies that one has, yet again, lost money...although I'm sure I'm more the rule than the exception these days.
Well, I suppose it could always be worse, right? I could have a big mortgage that...oh, crap.
Still, it could always be worse: I could be here:
(In Summation)

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

mil desculpas

Dear beloved blog followers (all 3 of you...)
Apologies for not posting anything new lately. It's been a hectic few weeks, in a variety of senses and for a variety of reasons. However, I just wanted to say that I am feeling much better with regards to my last post.
Thanks
Okay
Fin

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Moving Day

So this is really it. Summer has officially flown by faster than I ever could've imagined, and our lease at the rental house is up tomorrow.
I'm also finding myself significantly more depressed and anxious than I'd imagined I would be; feeling positively pulled down by waves of melancholia and stuck with a gnawing sense of regret sunk deep in my belly.
I accomplished, at most, about 15-20% of the activities I'd planned for the summer. 9/11 is rapidly and inexorably approaching, and with it the equally inexorable sense of another year of my life wasted. Yes, of course, I know, intellectually, that that is not the case; I've had another year to nurture and spend time with my family, I've managed to make a dent (albeit tiny) in the clutter and general entropy of my home, I've dealt with loss and illness as well as can be expected... it all looks, at the very least, passable. But reason has nothing to do with what I'm feeling. I'm feeling the curled-back edges, as it were, of my own mortality, and, frankly, it terrifies me.
My life, my consciousness, my everything was irrevocably transmuted and reconfigured eight years minus two days ago, and I am still discovering the true depth and scale of this ongoing transfiguration of self.
I do not use the word "transfigure" lightly. Because, while I may be (as they say in pictures) a somewhat- or at least sometimes- sadder and wiser person today, I am also someone who desires (if not succeeds) to put that sadness and wisdom to good use. And henceforth stems my melancholy. Wisdom does not assure power, nor does sadness assure action. In essence, I feel powerless because I am powerless. And this, in turn, leads to greater feelings of disempowerment, and on and on ad nauseum. (Literally! I literally feel nauseated at times by my anxiety.) All too often, I let the perfect be the enemy of the good, which of course leads to neither perfection, nor even goodness, but merely to lugubrious procrastination and self-loathing. I feel paralyzed during times of flux because I'm not doing more, which I then deal with by, well...not doing anything.
In any case, it's a beautiful day outside, and I think I shall take The Child down to the water for a last splash and a last attempt at catching my fish. I'm sure I could do more, but at least I'm doing something?
Right?

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Empire of Light

I had a magical, preternatural, psychedelic, transcendent, marvelous experience tonight. I will expand on this post soon; I just wanted to get something/s down concretely whilst the aftereffects are still lingering.
The moon rising can look like an overripe cantaloupe, cut in half and illuminated from within.
Aldous Huxley was, and remains, entirely right in his assertion that the Clear Light can, and does, suddenly and unexpectedly make itself known. And, when it does, Huxley was remarkably apt in describing the experience as one of "loving terror."
I finally fell inside of one of my favorite paintings, and I was fully awake and sober: I just knew it was possible: WIN!
Being inside the painting was even more exciting than I could've expected.
I finally got to the place beyond "goal-oriented" and time flows differently there, as well: good to know.
This entire summer I've been waiting for my "Great Gatsby" moment, and I finally got it! Standing under that pale streetlight, staring up through the interlaced branches into the heavens, I knew what it was to feel as though I could climb up and up and up, "suck on the pap of life" and break free of time absolutely and finally...

Friday, September 4, 2009

The Sporting Life, aka Porgy and Bass

Summer in the country is finally drawing to a close, dragging me kicking and screaming along towards autumn and the return to Real Life. One of the major highlights of the summer was last weekend's visit by my Sister and her The Child.
My sister and her The Child pretty much stand alone amongst my immediate family members when it comes to enjoyment of what might euphemistically be called "The Sporting Life." This is not to say that my other sister and her Children are not "sporty" types...much the opposite, in fact! When it comes to golf, tennis, soccer, baseball, etc. my other sister and her Children have me beat hands down, no question! But when it comes to "Sporting" pursuits, as opposed to "Sports," I know I can always count on my (recent visitor) sister to be as gung-ho adventurous as my DH and myself. Dogsledding overnights, ice-fishing, flight school and SCUBA tours are all future vacay prospects for my sister and her The Child. They ecotour Costa Rica and ski double black diamonds with joy and gusto, while back at home, some "family" activities include sword and axe combat classes and Medieval grappling school. Hence, it was no surprise that my sister and her The Child were more than happy for a weekend filled with such Sporting pursuits as Sporting Clays and fishing off my Father-in-law's boat...despite never having previously experienced either.
My sister, who claimed to have never "been on the good end of a firearm" in her life, performed MORE than adequately when breaking clay pigeons and long rabbits, and is already researching skeet and trap ranges closer to her home turf. Unfortunately, I was on The Child duty that day, and don't have much more to add as far as that subject goes; everything above is secondhand hearsay via my DH and/or sister. (Certainly two of my most trusted sources, however...lol)
My Father-in-law was gracious enough to take all of us out on his boat...we'd originally intended to go out for bluefish, but the word was that the recent tropical storm had driven them to cooler, deeper waters offshore. Fluke season had closed early (for a change) and the stripers are still too small this time of year, so we decided to go for porgy...a new experience for everybody.
We anchored near a small sandy island, and started chumming. We had clams and (terrifying!) sandworms for bait, and soon had our lines in the water. And out of the water! And back in the water! And repeat as needed: whether it was the chum, the location or a combination of the two, none of us had our lines in the water for a minute before things started jumping! Unfortunately, the legions of black bass that we were pulling out were a juuust little shy of the 14 in. limit...about 10 in. shy of the limit, that is. I personally managed to hook about 2 dozen of the tiniest, most adorable blowfish imaginable; some were- fully inflated- about the size of golf balls, and the biggest were about plum-size. I have a new and vast appreciation of blowfish defenses, if nothing else; it was truly amazing to see them suddenly puff up as they cleared the surface, which more often than not would simply (and audibly) POP the hook out of their surprisingly tough, plastic-feeling skin...and they'd be off! I only had to actually take 2 or so off the hook myself, and that was because they'd managed to get the hook wedged into their (very silly looking) little buckteeth. So, basically, if I'd been out there under contract to provide extremely tiny lamps for Trader Vic's, I'd have been sitting pretty. Unfortunately, I was out for porgy.
After several hours, we did manage to land a (surprise: tiny!) porgy...but at least then we knew what we were looking for. (Thanks, iphone google images!) Unsurprisingly, it was far to small to keep. We did, however, keep pulling in such a mass of tiny black bass that I'm still convinced that the 14 in. limit was set by some fish & game paper pusher who'd never seen a black bass in their life: I mean, srsly! We didn't catch one over 6 in! And I'm supposed to believe they get bigger? C'mon! This was clearly a species subset, of "toy" or "dwarf" black bass...or something.
The argument for "toy" fish would also appear to be borne out by the unimaginably teensy sea robin I caught...and yes, before you ask, those monkey fingers might even be creepier in miniature. Not that there really is any quantitative scale that I know of to measure levels of creepiness when it comes to fish with monkey hands; it is a rather subjective thing, in my experience.
Finally, my sister pulled in a keeper porgy! Rookie luck! We all cheered, (except for the unfortunate porgy, of course) and fished harder than ever...now we knew they were out there! Too bad for us, I guess the fish also knew we were up there...after about a brazillion more tiny bass and an ill-tempered spider crab or two, we headed in.
Not that I am, again, known to be the "goal-oriented" type or nuthin', but I was told later that the reason my father-in-law blew the horn, party boat style, to signal that we were heading in was because he didn't want to have to tell me personally that I had to stop fishing. (This might be a good time to insert the fact that, on a recent four-leaf clover hunting expedition in the yard, I refused to come back inside until I'd found eleven four-leafers. Ummm, nope. Not goal-oriented, I!)
The highlight of the day, aside from the obvious fishy prize, was the sighting of a sea turtle! Right off the boat! A juvenile sea turtle, just doin' its own thing, cruisin' on by us...score many, MANY points for conservationists! Neither my DH nor his father had EVER seen a sea turtle, in both their fishing lifetimes...a real treat for us all!
And yes, the porgy was delicious! All 3 bites of it...

In Summation: