Watching "I didn't know I was Pregnant" a few nights ago, I could really sympathize with the featured woman: when she suddenly and unexpectedly delivered a baby into the toilet, her husband brought her towels to wrap the new infant. "Not those!" she said! Not her
goodtowels!
As a woman who held off heading to the maternity ward in order to shave her legs, paint her toenails and tweeze her brows, I can fully sympathize. As far as I'm concerned, the cultural narrative which has the "Modern Woman" metamorphosing butterfly-like (via the hyperfeminized chrysalis of pregnancy) from Superwoman and Superwife into Supermom is a myth. We, as women, are expected to selflessly take on the affect (at least publicly) of Michelle Duggar, although in truth we spend plenty of time feeling- not to mention acting- a heck of a lot more like Kate Gosselin.
I recently read a tabloid article which breathlessly accused Ms. Gosselin of (gasp) banging pot lids together to get the kids' attention at the dinner table!! Additionally, she was (doublegasp) actually photographed grabbing and dragging a child by the arm!! I noticed that the latter photograph appeared to be taken at the edge of a driveway or parking lot. I'm willing to say that I have (gaspgaspgasp) ALSO actually grabbed The Child's arm when It attempted to sprint off the sidewalk!! I think I can safely say that I've done this multiple times, and (hystericalgasping) I have also, in the above situation, found myself dragging The Child as It throws a tantrum and/or goes limp in the midst of a thwarted escape!!!! What, exactly, would tabloid editors prefer to happen; the child having a BIG learning experience...in the guise of getting creamed by a passing van? Simply allowing the child to drop to the ground when it goes limp, figuring that eventually it'll get tired of being trampled underfoot and behave? Right.
What particularly offends and troubles me about this unquestioning, summary judgement is not merely a complete disregard of context (how would ANY of us perform, managing 8 young children?) but also a profoundly disturbing disregard of anything but the most public "examples" of parenting. Kate Gosselin has been repeatedly, vociferously castigated for both her personal behavior and her treatment of the children. She has even (oh, noes!) been accused of striking her children (what I've seen described as "smacks on the bottom" and "pushing") in moments of extreme frustration. Conversely, Michelle Duggar is the recipient of frequent, radiant praise on the subject of her (massive!) brood's tractability and unfailingly flawless chipperness. Michelle- and her husband- do not particularly hide the fact that their family's discipline is largely a result of their always off-camera reliance upon "physical correction." It's important to note that I have yet to see either "Momma" or "Daddy" refer to said technique as "corporal punishment," "spanking" or "hitting." Nope, it's always the ever so sweetly worded "correction." And what, exactly, is the real definition of this innocuous-sounding tool of parental rule?
It's hitting. No bones about it, it is hitting. The Duggars are devotees of Bill Gothard's "Institute of Basic Life Principles" as well as his "Advanced Training" homeschooling program. Mr. Gothard is, to say the least, a highly controversial figure in the Evangelical world. Many Christian Apologists UNapologetically refer to his followers as "cultlike." Christianity Today magazine treads lightly around the subject; while the Apologists cited in the magazine condemn his theology, they only ambiguously refer to "excessive discipline" and "concern(s) about how Gothard's ministry was treating young people." Indianapolis' Channel 8 News, rather more directly, cites reports of "beatings" with a "wooden board" and food-restricted "isolation" in a "prayer closet." Children are "trained" (not "raised" or "taught") that they should smilingly obey any and all orders from their parental "authorities," regardless how nonsensical or unpleasant they may seem. The Duggar children may well be as cheerful and biddable as they appear to be; the question is whether they have ever had a choice to be otherwise.
Additionally, one often hears in the media of the "shameful" way that the Gosselin progeny are "used" by their mother for financial and promotional gain. I personally don't feel in a position to either confirm or debate these assertions. I do know that attempting to support 8 young children must be an unimaginable financial albatross. The Duggars repeatedly showcase their commitment to "buy used and save the difference." This is certainly a shrewd and admirable objective, and one which I subscribe to myself whenever possible. However, what is NOT mentioned is their dependence upon network, corporate and media "freebies" as well as private donations and a lack of even the most basic childcare and household expenses: on both their TLC program and their website, they frequently remark upon the extent of household duties (cooking, cleaning, laundry, babysitting, etc.) overseen almost entirely by "the older girls." The children's schooling also appears to consist of a great many "practical lessons" which are also quite admirable...however, it is doubtful if the hours spent in hands-on construction and "subjects" such as sewing, food preparation, auto repair and "scripture memorization" would be acceptable even by most Christian or alternative school curricula. The family is also rumored to have claimed tax-exempt status on their 7000 square foot home and extensive property, a growing trend among homeschooling "megafamilies," and one which clearly calls into question the teaching of "rendering unto Caesar." I am fascinated by the vigor of Octomom critics who decry her dependence on Medi-Cal, food stamps and disability. Mr.Duggar had a brief tenure as a state congressperson, which would have meant at least several years of state-subsidized health and retirement benefits, and the family has allegedly confirmed that they do NOT pay for maternity-related coverage. In Arkansas, benefits for infants are automatically eligible for state-sponsored insurance; the fact that the family does not appear to have offered any definitive answers on the full status of their health coverage feels, at least superficially, rather suspicious. Their newlywed son and daughter-in-law look to bear most of the responsibility for the "family" used car dealership, and the other purported sources of income- a commercial space and land leased to a cellular provider- would likely not provide any corporate health plan. Mr. Duggar claims that, in the past, he sold insurance; but even if that occupation provided access to family health coverage, it clearly is not a readily-available option for most families. The family also disavows all but cash payment and investment, under the guise of "financial freedom," which very likely rules out the existence of any college savings for the children. In any case, Mr. and Mrs. Duggar have stated that they do not feel college to be a particularly noteworthy ambition. Why, indeed, should they, with all that solid, "practical" schooling in construction and domestic labor?
As Mothers, I believe that the post-feminist emphasis on hyper-traditional, "hands-on" mothering has left women with an unreachable standard of achievement and behavior. The Duggars, as well as other megafamilies featured in programs such as "Kids by the Dozen," are held up as paragons of domestic accomplishment, with only passing (if that) exploration of the methodology needed to actually fulfill such ideals. Scratch the surface, and one almost inevitably reveals a profound reliance upon intensely isolationist fundamentalist faith, physical discipline, rigorous chore schedules and, quite often, a blatant disregard of the skills necessary to function outside of the family, religious or fiscally-mandated framework.
The Gosselin children are, by all appearances, well-fed, clothed, and provided for by a parents who still attempt to function within a socially and culturally diverse framework. Ms. Gosselin (again with the gasps!) is guilty of feeling preoccupied with her post-sextuplet physical appearance, and (faints dead away) Mr. Gosselin has been discovered to have sought validation from a woman other than his perpetually-harried and often sharp-tongued wife. In short, they have continued to function in a manner consistent with the majority of responsible, Western adults, despite the unexpected- and unfathomable- rigors associated with the daily maintenance of eight children, all of whom are elementary-school age...or younger!
I am a mother of (for now) one extremely active, inquisitive and (very!) strong-willed toddler. I did not breast-feed for anywhere near the culturally-proscribed 2+ years. I made my own baby food, and always encouraged as varied and healthy diet as possible. I did not choose to abstain from scheduled vaccinations, despite a frightening vaccine reaction experienced in my own childhood. I have cloth-diapered faithfully, forgoing environmentally-sketchy diaper services in favor of home washing. I have never bought a single "Baby Einstein" video, nor did I pipe Mozart into my womb. There may have been a time when I gleefully bounded out of bed at 3 a.m., or 6 a.m. in response to a wail issuing via the baby monitor...but I honestly can't remember it. I neglected to enroll The Child in costly and exclusive "pre-preschool" programs. I have been known to use SpongeBob as a tool to facilitate paying bills, checking email and a multitude of other tasks. There are days when The Child has been ushered to bed without a bath or a tooth brushing. I have rarely forgotten to administer the daily vitamin, and I dutifully installed outlet-covers, doorhandle-locks, baby-gates. Illnesses, "owies" and myriad health concerns have always been promptly attended to. And to what end?
The Child is, at not-quite 3 years of age, well on Its way to full potty-trainedness. It can flawlessly recite the alphabet, count to 10, and I am daily amazed by the fast-growing litany of words that The Child is able to read. I can say definitively that I have never struck The Child...I can also say with equal assurance that there have been times (after incidents involving biting, face-smacking and screaming kicks aimed at my head) when it's crossed my mind. I am frequently approached by total strangers- surprisingly frequently, in fact- wanting to compliment The Child's behavior, manners, beauty...and often all of the above, simultaneously. The Child has no terror of dogs, the dark, monsters, blood and has yet to be paralyzed by shyness. It has chipped teeth, bruised shins, scabby knees and the occasional fat lip...but then, so do I.
The Child has brought to my life an intensity of sweetness, joy, laughter, aggravation, pain and fear that I would never have thought possible. I have a best friend and vicious adversary the likes of which I am endlessly surprised by. I'm not a Supermom, and I feel guilty about that.
Just as it should be, no?
In Summation:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tovznQvqVok
