Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Headin' On Home...

So, it would appear that my summer is finally, irrevocably- its hour come round at last- slouching off towards California to die. I've certainly milked it (not to mentioned ground, twisted and vigorously choked it) about as hard as humanly possible, but even I must admit that October is just too darned late to be stretching "summer."
I've had a truly glorious, eye-opening time back in my native state, and much of that has been related to the simple knowledge that The Child is (finally!) spending some quality time in "The Old Country," as it were. It's been wonderful to (finally!) be able to introduce The Child, in the actual flesh, to all the folks who know It only via emailed pictures, holiday cards and telephone. Also wonderful, albeit in a very different sense, has been the opportunity to partake of the first- yes, literally, THE FIRST- "girls' night out" since my marriage...which was nearly four years ago at this point. The fact that, purely by chance, the first night out led to a second one...well, that just durn near put me over the moon, as the Hoosier natives say! There was something infinitely precious to me, as a native-Hoosier-turned-lifelong-nomad, in spending an entire evening immersed in such richly-nostalgic activities as Bob & Tom humor (expounding on such topics as James Dean, NASCAR and IndyCar, natch) and beer-und-spaetzle at the Rathskellar; the evening was topped off by an equally-Hoosieresque, though somewhat more surreal, encounter with a bewilderingly polite, well-spoken and honey-voiced homeless chap on a bike. *sigh* It really don't get much better than that, folks!
Wellp, (to use another favorite nugget of Hoosier dialect) I need to run; business calls. And sadly, I'm not alluding to anything fun, filthy and/or risque...I really need to do actual, boring, lame, inane paperwork to keep my adopted home state from fining my business, which has already spent an entire freaking YEAR in the red. Admittedly, I think the state might actually need funds more than I do, at this point, but still...blugh. Nothing makes one feel less successful than paying money to notify various bureaucracies that one has, yet again, lost money...although I'm sure I'm more the rule than the exception these days.
Well, I suppose it could always be worse, right? I could have a big mortgage that...oh, crap.
Still, it could always be worse: I could be here:
(In Summation)

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

mil desculpas

Dear beloved blog followers (all 3 of you...)
Apologies for not posting anything new lately. It's been a hectic few weeks, in a variety of senses and for a variety of reasons. However, I just wanted to say that I am feeling much better with regards to my last post.
Thanks
Okay
Fin

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Moving Day

So this is really it. Summer has officially flown by faster than I ever could've imagined, and our lease at the rental house is up tomorrow.
I'm also finding myself significantly more depressed and anxious than I'd imagined I would be; feeling positively pulled down by waves of melancholia and stuck with a gnawing sense of regret sunk deep in my belly.
I accomplished, at most, about 15-20% of the activities I'd planned for the summer. 9/11 is rapidly and inexorably approaching, and with it the equally inexorable sense of another year of my life wasted. Yes, of course, I know, intellectually, that that is not the case; I've had another year to nurture and spend time with my family, I've managed to make a dent (albeit tiny) in the clutter and general entropy of my home, I've dealt with loss and illness as well as can be expected... it all looks, at the very least, passable. But reason has nothing to do with what I'm feeling. I'm feeling the curled-back edges, as it were, of my own mortality, and, frankly, it terrifies me.
My life, my consciousness, my everything was irrevocably transmuted and reconfigured eight years minus two days ago, and I am still discovering the true depth and scale of this ongoing transfiguration of self.
I do not use the word "transfigure" lightly. Because, while I may be (as they say in pictures) a somewhat- or at least sometimes- sadder and wiser person today, I am also someone who desires (if not succeeds) to put that sadness and wisdom to good use. And henceforth stems my melancholy. Wisdom does not assure power, nor does sadness assure action. In essence, I feel powerless because I am powerless. And this, in turn, leads to greater feelings of disempowerment, and on and on ad nauseum. (Literally! I literally feel nauseated at times by my anxiety.) All too often, I let the perfect be the enemy of the good, which of course leads to neither perfection, nor even goodness, but merely to lugubrious procrastination and self-loathing. I feel paralyzed during times of flux because I'm not doing more, which I then deal with by, well...not doing anything.
In any case, it's a beautiful day outside, and I think I shall take The Child down to the water for a last splash and a last attempt at catching my fish. I'm sure I could do more, but at least I'm doing something?
Right?

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Empire of Light

I had a magical, preternatural, psychedelic, transcendent, marvelous experience tonight. I will expand on this post soon; I just wanted to get something/s down concretely whilst the aftereffects are still lingering.
The moon rising can look like an overripe cantaloupe, cut in half and illuminated from within.
Aldous Huxley was, and remains, entirely right in his assertion that the Clear Light can, and does, suddenly and unexpectedly make itself known. And, when it does, Huxley was remarkably apt in describing the experience as one of "loving terror."
I finally fell inside of one of my favorite paintings, and I was fully awake and sober: I just knew it was possible: WIN!
Being inside the painting was even more exciting than I could've expected.
I finally got to the place beyond "goal-oriented" and time flows differently there, as well: good to know.
This entire summer I've been waiting for my "Great Gatsby" moment, and I finally got it! Standing under that pale streetlight, staring up through the interlaced branches into the heavens, I knew what it was to feel as though I could climb up and up and up, "suck on the pap of life" and break free of time absolutely and finally...

Friday, September 4, 2009

The Sporting Life, aka Porgy and Bass

Summer in the country is finally drawing to a close, dragging me kicking and screaming along towards autumn and the return to Real Life. One of the major highlights of the summer was last weekend's visit by my Sister and her The Child.
My sister and her The Child pretty much stand alone amongst my immediate family members when it comes to enjoyment of what might euphemistically be called "The Sporting Life." This is not to say that my other sister and her Children are not "sporty" types...much the opposite, in fact! When it comes to golf, tennis, soccer, baseball, etc. my other sister and her Children have me beat hands down, no question! But when it comes to "Sporting" pursuits, as opposed to "Sports," I know I can always count on my (recent visitor) sister to be as gung-ho adventurous as my DH and myself. Dogsledding overnights, ice-fishing, flight school and SCUBA tours are all future vacay prospects for my sister and her The Child. They ecotour Costa Rica and ski double black diamonds with joy and gusto, while back at home, some "family" activities include sword and axe combat classes and Medieval grappling school. Hence, it was no surprise that my sister and her The Child were more than happy for a weekend filled with such Sporting pursuits as Sporting Clays and fishing off my Father-in-law's boat...despite never having previously experienced either.
My sister, who claimed to have never "been on the good end of a firearm" in her life, performed MORE than adequately when breaking clay pigeons and long rabbits, and is already researching skeet and trap ranges closer to her home turf. Unfortunately, I was on The Child duty that day, and don't have much more to add as far as that subject goes; everything above is secondhand hearsay via my DH and/or sister. (Certainly two of my most trusted sources, however...lol)
My Father-in-law was gracious enough to take all of us out on his boat...we'd originally intended to go out for bluefish, but the word was that the recent tropical storm had driven them to cooler, deeper waters offshore. Fluke season had closed early (for a change) and the stripers are still too small this time of year, so we decided to go for porgy...a new experience for everybody.
We anchored near a small sandy island, and started chumming. We had clams and (terrifying!) sandworms for bait, and soon had our lines in the water. And out of the water! And back in the water! And repeat as needed: whether it was the chum, the location or a combination of the two, none of us had our lines in the water for a minute before things started jumping! Unfortunately, the legions of black bass that we were pulling out were a juuust little shy of the 14 in. limit...about 10 in. shy of the limit, that is. I personally managed to hook about 2 dozen of the tiniest, most adorable blowfish imaginable; some were- fully inflated- about the size of golf balls, and the biggest were about plum-size. I have a new and vast appreciation of blowfish defenses, if nothing else; it was truly amazing to see them suddenly puff up as they cleared the surface, which more often than not would simply (and audibly) POP the hook out of their surprisingly tough, plastic-feeling skin...and they'd be off! I only had to actually take 2 or so off the hook myself, and that was because they'd managed to get the hook wedged into their (very silly looking) little buckteeth. So, basically, if I'd been out there under contract to provide extremely tiny lamps for Trader Vic's, I'd have been sitting pretty. Unfortunately, I was out for porgy.
After several hours, we did manage to land a (surprise: tiny!) porgy...but at least then we knew what we were looking for. (Thanks, iphone google images!) Unsurprisingly, it was far to small to keep. We did, however, keep pulling in such a mass of tiny black bass that I'm still convinced that the 14 in. limit was set by some fish & game paper pusher who'd never seen a black bass in their life: I mean, srsly! We didn't catch one over 6 in! And I'm supposed to believe they get bigger? C'mon! This was clearly a species subset, of "toy" or "dwarf" black bass...or something.
The argument for "toy" fish would also appear to be borne out by the unimaginably teensy sea robin I caught...and yes, before you ask, those monkey fingers might even be creepier in miniature. Not that there really is any quantitative scale that I know of to measure levels of creepiness when it comes to fish with monkey hands; it is a rather subjective thing, in my experience.
Finally, my sister pulled in a keeper porgy! Rookie luck! We all cheered, (except for the unfortunate porgy, of course) and fished harder than ever...now we knew they were out there! Too bad for us, I guess the fish also knew we were up there...after about a brazillion more tiny bass and an ill-tempered spider crab or two, we headed in.
Not that I am, again, known to be the "goal-oriented" type or nuthin', but I was told later that the reason my father-in-law blew the horn, party boat style, to signal that we were heading in was because he didn't want to have to tell me personally that I had to stop fishing. (This might be a good time to insert the fact that, on a recent four-leaf clover hunting expedition in the yard, I refused to come back inside until I'd found eleven four-leafers. Ummm, nope. Not goal-oriented, I!)
The highlight of the day, aside from the obvious fishy prize, was the sighting of a sea turtle! Right off the boat! A juvenile sea turtle, just doin' its own thing, cruisin' on by us...score many, MANY points for conservationists! Neither my DH nor his father had EVER seen a sea turtle, in both their fishing lifetimes...a real treat for us all!
And yes, the porgy was delicious! All 3 bites of it...

In Summation: